As many of you are aware, I have been dealing with my own self pity for a long time now. Mummy guilt. It gets us all, yeah? Not doing enough, doing too much. Not enough homework, working them too hard. It goes on and on. I never feel as though I am doing enough for everyone. I am either paying attention to two children and neglecting the other two (which in hindsight I know I'm not). Or I am doing too much for the kids and neglecting hubby or my friends. 

Today I had the most amazing day. I had a group session with two of the most amazing women; Amy Taylor Kabbaz and Lisa Corduff. If you don't know these ladies by name, you might know them from their blogs Happy Mama and Lisa runs a program through her blog call Small Steps. Both women are successful women, come mothers, come bloggers. 

Today's session was called Real & Raw. And it was exactly that; real and raw. Fifty women in a room, talking about failures, wins, meal planning, meditating and being humans. Damn good humans too. 

I walked away from today feeling energised and full of hope. I have learnt (or at least reassured) that I am not measured by what I can wash, cook or clean. I am not perfect and that's ok. I make do with what I have. My children are loved and they love me so I must be doing something right. 

My life needs an overhaul. But instead of trying to change everything at once, I will do it piece by piece, slowly changing things to better myself, make me happier, more peaceful, then I will tackle what else lays ahead. I wanted to simplify our lives and that is next. I need to make what we have meaningful not abundant. More time actually with my children and not stressing about other things I have no control over. Being present in the moment.

My aim now is to prioritise. To get myself in order. First thing first, make time for me. Sett aside an hour a week where I can meditate, take a bath, journal, listen to music. 

Next, I need to tackle meal planning. I was blessed to hear from, Lisa's mouth, simplify your meals. I am not a five star chef in a five star restaurant. I am not feeding the fussiest of critics. I just need to provide basic, nutritious meals that everyone will love. I think back to when I was a kid and what did have? Roast chicken, ham steaks, in summer it was rolled up meats and salad. These days we feel so pressured to produce Pinterest worthy masterpieces! So it's time to take a step back and breathe, let's get the kids involved! I plan on chopping up some chicken breasts and letting them coat them in bread crumb and viola! a quick dinner or school lunch! 

Real & Raw. What can I say, Amy and Lisa you have changed my outlook on mothering and you have made me take the much needed step back and breathe. If this amazing opportunity knocks on your door, or comes to your town, take the time hang with these amazing ladies! It will be worth all the while. And even if you don't take away as much as I did, you still get a day away from the kids 😉

So good old anxiety and depression knocked on the door again this past week. It was more of knock to remind me that if I don't act now, I could be consumed. Pretty damn nice of him to knock and let me know huh? 

No, I'm delusional or drunk. Just have to laugh sometimes! 

So I've started prepping for my 30 days, 30 ways challenge. A part of my prepping was putting together a bit of a calendar of small things I can do each day to reward myself. I've done it as a bit of routine, as I work well like that. Not too sure if that is the intention of the project but that's the way I've done it!

I've included all the usual; yoga, bath, silent tea breaks etc. but this time I'm excited to have added something new! At first I wanted to add try something new, but that is damn near impossible with four kids! So I though .... Visit somewhere new! A day trip or whatever happens. The plan is to visit at least one new place in Victoria every month! No more retracing our steps and visiting the same old places, it's out to explore the new! 

 

We might be close to home or a huge trip out, whatever takes my fancy! And best of all, it's something we can do and decide together! So cheers to that! 

I'm excited and that's what I need, some excitement! Time to dust off the tent too I think! Camping In Chaos is becoming stagnant! Let's hit the road!! 

I often write about how parenting can be hard, how life can be hard, and it can. More often than not I feel it biting me on the ass.

I like to bask in the good days, but the bad haunt me. I have also spoken often about depression. It is a motherfucker. I hate my bad days, I hate that I get down and angry and sad and frustrated, and that is all in a matter of minutes! Maybe I am more of a split personality than I thought, I am a Gemini!

Lately I have been researching how I can manage my emotions without drugs, without being medicated. This all started when I approached our local doctor and he had my details prefilled on a script for antidepressants before I had finished my sentence. It is almost like an automatic reaction to someone saying, I'm not coping. It has taken me a very long time to come to terms with the fact that I need help. Never have I thought myself to be worthy of assistance, everyone else in my family has always taken priority over me. I was always more worried about the kids and hubby then I was about my own concerns. 

Having researched this quite deeply in the past few months, I came to realise most women feel like this. Running themselves into the ground before stopping and looking at the destruction they have caused to themselves. This is where I am at. 

After years and years of putting everyone before me, I have pushed myself so far back into the darkness I wondered if I could ever come back. I am not the person I once was and even though I crave to be her, I never will. I accept that. What I have learnt? I have learnt to be gentle. I have learnt to walk away from something that is causing me stress. But most of all, I am learning to accept; accept myself for who I am, accept I can't change anything other than my own thoughts and accept my life for what it is. 

In the past few years, I have tried to suppress my emotions. That doesn't work. That just leads to an explosion further down the track. What I now do is;

• Vent. Be it to hubby (should he deserve it!) to a friend or a professional. Letting go of the thoughts in your head can be therapeutic, can also be damaging so be mindful of what you say and to who! 
• Journal. Allowing all the negativity to flow through the pen to the paper. It didn't work at first and I nearly gave up, but after a month of putting pen to paper it is helping! And I'm enjoying it too!
• Yoga. This give me time to let everything weighing me down go. I needed this. I do Yoga With Adriene. Adriene is a young Texan woman who is lighthearted, funny and accepting of every persons ability. This has been a God scent! I went to one yoga class and I felt like I was being crusified by all in there!! But the YWA community is so amazing and there to help too which is always a superb bonus! 
• Fitness. I wouldn't say I am fit, but walking has been a great way of releasing pent up stress and the fresh air is great at clearing the head! On a nice sunny day, there is nothing better!  
• Organisation. This is something I am working on. I am decluttering, minimising our belongs to have a clean and clear world to surround ourselves in. This is both therapeutic whilst completing the task and rewarding afterwards. It also allows for ease of maintaining the house, when there isn't a million things to clean and put away! 
• Routine. Routine is the winning tool. It is all about perfecting the art of having everything in order to complete a task when it needs to be completed, this was how our house was always run! It works and is necessary, but finding that routine again is difficult ... but it is possible.

I am looking forward to my appointment on the weekend with a Naturopath. After speaking with Karina the other day, I was encouraged to explore this world. My response to seeing a Naturopath was mixed. A few saying they are great and more so saying it's like witch craft! To me, I am open about trying it. If it doesn't work, well then it I don't go, but I have always been very spiritual and natural and think this will be right up my alley!

So I am nowhere near 'cured', I'm not even maintaining my emotions well, but I am in progress. It is possible. And with every good day, I feel a little more like myself and that can only be a good thing!

If you are feeling depressed or anxious and want to know more about what you can do to help yourself, check out these sites for more information.