Times can be tough

I often write about how parenting can be hard, how life can be hard, and it can. More often than not I feel it biting me on the ass.

I like to bask in the good days, but the bad haunt me. I have also spoken often about depression. It is a motherfucker. I hate my bad days, I hate that I get down and angry and sad and frustrated, and that is all in a matter of minutes! Maybe I am more of a split personality than I thought, I am a Gemini!

Lately I have been researching how I can manage my emotions without drugs, without being medicated. This all started when I approached our local doctor and he had my details prefilled on a script for antidepressants before I had finished my sentence. It is almost like an automatic reaction to someone saying, I'm not coping. It has taken me a very long time to come to terms with the fact that I need help. Never have I thought myself to be worthy of assistance, everyone else in my family has always taken priority over me. I was always more worried about the kids and hubby then I was about my own concerns. 

Having researched this quite deeply in the past few months, I came to realise most women feel like this. Running themselves into the ground before stopping and looking at the destruction they have caused to themselves. This is where I am at. 

After years and years of putting everyone before me, I have pushed myself so far back into the darkness I wondered if I could ever come back. I am not the person I once was and even though I crave to be her, I never will. I accept that. What I have learnt? I have learnt to be gentle. I have learnt to walk away from something that is causing me stress. But most of all, I am learning to accept; accept myself for who I am, accept I can't change anything other than my own thoughts and accept my life for what it is. 

In the past few years, I have tried to suppress my emotions. That doesn't work. That just leads to an explosion further down the track. What I now do is;

• Vent. Be it to hubby (should he deserve it!) to a friend or a professional. Letting go of the thoughts in your head can be therapeutic, can also be damaging so be mindful of what you say and to who! 
• Journal. Allowing all the negativity to flow through the pen to the paper. It didn't work at first and I nearly gave up, but after a month of putting pen to paper it is helping! And I'm enjoying it too!
• Yoga. This give me time to let everything weighing me down go. I needed this. I do Yoga With Adriene. Adriene is a young Texan woman who is lighthearted, funny and accepting of every persons ability. This has been a God scent! I went to one yoga class and I felt like I was being crusified by all in there!! But the YWA community is so amazing and there to help too which is always a superb bonus! 
• Fitness. I wouldn't say I am fit, but walking has been a great way of releasing pent up stress and the fresh air is great at clearing the head! On a nice sunny day, there is nothing better!  
• Organisation. This is something I am working on. I am decluttering, minimising our belongs to have a clean and clear world to surround ourselves in. This is both therapeutic whilst completing the task and rewarding afterwards. It also allows for ease of maintaining the house, when there isn't a million things to clean and put away! 
• Routine. Routine is the winning tool. It is all about perfecting the art of having everything in order to complete a task when it needs to be completed, this was how our house was always run! It works and is necessary, but finding that routine again is difficult ... but it is possible.

I am looking forward to my appointment on the weekend with a Naturopath. After speaking with Karina the other day, I was encouraged to explore this world. My response to seeing a Naturopath was mixed. A few saying they are great and more so saying it's like witch craft! To me, I am open about trying it. If it doesn't work, well then it I don't go, but I have always been very spiritual and natural and think this will be right up my alley!

So I am nowhere near 'cured', I'm not even maintaining my emotions well, but I am in progress. It is possible. And with every good day, I feel a little more like myself and that can only be a good thing!

If you are feeling depressed or anxious and want to know more about what you can do to help yourself, check out these sites for more information.