Deciding what is wrong or right

Yesterday was my 36 week obstetrician appointment. I left feeling an emotional wreck. Between the conflicting beliefs amongst the obstetricians or having just being placated at earlier appointments, I left feeling as the wind had just been struck from me.

I was meant to be induced at 37 weeks. I went in thinking we were setting a date for my induction or caesarean for the following week. Yet I was faced with the obstetrician with high ideals. Condescending is one word I used to describe the woman. I felt as though I was in the principal’s office being chastised for something that I knew was not my fault.

As you are aware by now, I suffer from fainting episodes, at any given time under any circumstances. Of late, they are happening more often than not. I’m suffering dizzy spells and increased heart rate and I am aware that this is a result of the extra pressure on my body from being pregnant.

A month ago, as I previously mentioned, we attended the Maternity section of our hospital after I had fainted for 10-15 seconds and there was no warning that it was coming. This scared hubby and I enough to make us seek out what can be done to bring on the birth to avoid anything happening to little AJ.

When we were at the hospital we spoke with a fantastic midwife and obstetrician that ensured us that we needed to wait until 37 weeks before anything could be done, otherwise there could be complications with his health. Placated.

I realise now that we were told what we wanted to hear. I am honestly scared for my child. I have to deal with this issue every day and I do everything I can to avoid it occurring. But my argument is why should AJ have to suffer if I was to fall and he was hurt? This, to me, is an avoidable issue. The obstetrician I met with yesterday proceeded to tell me that if they induced labour at 37 weeks, he could still have issues breathing etc, but if he was born naturally then that would be ok. I’m not sure I understand her logic.

My favourite part of the appointment yesterday was when I was told “I know this condition is an inconvenience for you, but I have a duty of care to the baby.”

Shock rolled over me in waves, inconvenience is the last description I would use to describe what I go through. I deal with my issues, I have turned my life upside down for issues, I have a family that is constantly on edge when it comes to my issues. But never has anyone complained. Never has anyone said that it was inconvenient that I have this issue.

Since leaving the appointment I have realised that the obstetrician had already made her mind up prior to my appointment. I imagine she thought the reason I wanted this was because I was over it and wanted the baby out. That couldn’t be further from the truth. I want nothing more than to have my beautiful little man in my arms and he be healthy and strong, which leaves me with the dilemma.

Am I just being selfish? Would it be better to risk the chance of fainting and he was hurt, to keep him inside for a little longer? If I was to have him now, would he be too unhealthy and suffer as a consequence? Every day I sit and contemplate these questions. For the past month I have been going over and over in my head if this was the right thing to do, of course, I decided it was. As long as he was healthy and strong, why leave him there any longer and risk both his and my health.

Well in two weeks’ time I will return and I hope to have better news. I wish that I could magically fix the fainting, but that is unlikely. Fingers crossed I see someone different at that appointment.

Thanks ...